I don't think that there's much of anything that hurts more than watching your mommy break in half. Again. And again. And again. Knowing that she's not done breaking, and neither are you.
I usually try to avoid talking about my personal life because nobody cares and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it's mothers day, and up until this year it had always been a happy occasion. This year... it's just... cruel.
My younger brother committed suicide in October. This has been the year from hell. It doesn't get easier to handle with time. It doesn't hurt less with time. You don't just get over it. You can't just move on. Anyone who tells you these things has clearly never gone through this.
I reached a point where I could handle my own emotional trauma, my tangible pain, without dissolving. But every time I see my mom sigh painfully, reminisce longingly, or cry... especially cry... I break. I break into a million pieces and I completely shatter because I can't handle seeing my mommy hurt this badly. I can't handle watching my mommy hurt.
There are days I don't even want to wake up in the morning. Acknowledge the world or my existence. I don't want to have to face my friends, family, classmates, teachers... It just hurts too much.
The problem with life is that it keeps going, even when it ends. The world has no choice but to continue flowing around the hole where my brother is supposed to be because the world has to continue. The rest of the school, the town, has all but forgotten. Even my friends seem to think that it's been long enough now that I should just be over it. It's like they've forgotten that I'm a mess, or they think that I should have sorted myself out by now. No one understands what I have to deal with, what I'm faced with every moment of every damn day.
We got ready together. We drove to school together. We listened to music together. We played video games together. He started my car. He drove when I didn't want to. We shared snacks and drinks. We argued like mad. We joked about random shit. We reminisced. We predicted the future. Our future. We complained. We complained a lot... We played in band together. We sang together. We ate together.
And now I do everything alone. I get my own ass up. I drive myself to school. I listen to my own music. I don't play video games. I eat my own food. I fight with myself. I fight with a future that is missing key components.
Every. Day.
And I have to watch my parents go through the pain of losing their child. No parent should ever have to outlive their baby. Ever.
Now, I'm going to go have coffee with them so we can commiserate. Because life sucks for all of us, and it really isn't getting any better. I pretend that I'm okay. I pretend that I'm fine. But honestly, I'm so fucking far from it that my life has become a lie. Most of the time I manage. Sometimes, like today, I just can't.
Everyone looks to me to be strong and to fight, but I'm just surviving. I may be weak but I'm never defeated. I'll keep believing in clouds with their sweet silver lining...
~Kate Voegele
I usually try to avoid talking about my personal life because nobody cares and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it's mothers day, and up until this year it had always been a happy occasion. This year... it's just... cruel.
My younger brother committed suicide in October. This has been the year from hell. It doesn't get easier to handle with time. It doesn't hurt less with time. You don't just get over it. You can't just move on. Anyone who tells you these things has clearly never gone through this.
I reached a point where I could handle my own emotional trauma, my tangible pain, without dissolving. But every time I see my mom sigh painfully, reminisce longingly, or cry... especially cry... I break. I break into a million pieces and I completely shatter because I can't handle seeing my mommy hurt this badly. I can't handle watching my mommy hurt.
There are days I don't even want to wake up in the morning. Acknowledge the world or my existence. I don't want to have to face my friends, family, classmates, teachers... It just hurts too much.
The problem with life is that it keeps going, even when it ends. The world has no choice but to continue flowing around the hole where my brother is supposed to be because the world has to continue. The rest of the school, the town, has all but forgotten. Even my friends seem to think that it's been long enough now that I should just be over it. It's like they've forgotten that I'm a mess, or they think that I should have sorted myself out by now. No one understands what I have to deal with, what I'm faced with every moment of every damn day.
We got ready together. We drove to school together. We listened to music together. We played video games together. He started my car. He drove when I didn't want to. We shared snacks and drinks. We argued like mad. We joked about random shit. We reminisced. We predicted the future. Our future. We complained. We complained a lot... We played in band together. We sang together. We ate together.
And now I do everything alone. I get my own ass up. I drive myself to school. I listen to my own music. I don't play video games. I eat my own food. I fight with myself. I fight with a future that is missing key components.
Every. Day.
And I have to watch my parents go through the pain of losing their child. No parent should ever have to outlive their baby. Ever.
Now, I'm going to go have coffee with them so we can commiserate. Because life sucks for all of us, and it really isn't getting any better. I pretend that I'm okay. I pretend that I'm fine. But honestly, I'm so fucking far from it that my life has become a lie. Most of the time I manage. Sometimes, like today, I just can't.
Everyone looks to me to be strong and to fight, but I'm just surviving. I may be weak but I'm never defeated. I'll keep believing in clouds with their sweet silver lining...
~Kate Voegele
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