I am sad and lonely.
I am apparently also moderately socially inept, and I never realized it. If anyone else did, I really appreciate them saying something.
I went to an ice cream social thingy in the freshman boys' dorm earlier this evening. The girl to boy ratio was for real 6:1. And everyone that was there only talked to the people they already knew. Since I knew nobody, it was excrutiatingly awkward and made me feel even lonelier--the feeling started this morning. About the time I got out of the shower...
I decided to play my flute in one of the vast expanses of grass outside because I wanted to play and it was beautiful. Only everyone kept staring at me like I was a frickin' alien and it was extremely awkward. And then a very nice girl came up whose name I very unfortunately forgot and we talked for a bit. Even that was slightly awkward though... oh well.
I lost my keys briefly. They were actually just tucked into a pocket with my gum in my purse. But do you THINK I looked in the pockets with gum? No. Not for 15 of the most panic-filled minutes of my life. Well, okay, not really. But I was kind of terrified and I didn't want to call anybody to tell them that I lost not only the key to my dorm room but also my car. Because that would mean I was totally screwed and I didn't want to admit to that. Luckily, I found the frickin keys and survived.
I woke up with my period this morning. And within a couple of hours had some of the worst cramps of my life and my entire body was achy and I was tired and sore. I could barely stand up straight. I don't know why this is happening to me. Periods never used to be anything but periodic annoyances. They didn't hurt. They weren't anything but a fluid excretion. Now they carry all the lovely shit-eating side effects that other women complain about. I'm really crabby.
I swear to God I'm hearing an elephant from somewhere. I don't know if someone's watching a nature channel or what but it's really getting EXTREMELY annoying. Maybe I'm just short-tempered tonight. =/
I picked up 13 Reasons Why in Barnes & Noble today. Sat down in a chair and read the first chapter. It both pissed me off and ripped open the scab on my heart and plunged me into a level of emotional pain that I put it back down on the table and left. I may eventually go back to it. Because I am intrigued by it as well.
Hannah Baker killed herself by taking an excess of drugs. Before doing so, she recorded 6.5 cassette tapes (you can record on both sides of a tape--6 full tapes plus one more half-full) with 13 reasons why she killed herself. Hence the title.
It just... it pissed me off. For a handful of reasons, I guess. It's difficult to explain and I'm not sure I wish to try. But it also really saddened me, and not just because of the loss that I've experienced. Again, it's difficult to explain and I won't try. But I can't decide if I'm actually going to read it or not. I would like to know what the other 11 reasons are. Who the other 11 people are. I just don't know if I can.
I just spent the last couple of hours at a friend's house. I walked like, 12 blocks to get to the connecting street where he met me (the timing was actually quite perfect, no lie) just to get a hug. I was on the brink of tears, though I don't think he noticed. And it was a number of things, but I suppose that predominantly it was my utter loneliness and having had the lid yanked off of my emotional hurricane. So we sat around and talked for awhile and I feel better now. Not quite as lonely. Not really as sad. Experiencing longing for things I thus far can't have. At least don't have. But it's manageable. I wish my room had air conditioning. VITAMINS! I have to go take them. 2 minutes...
I just hit my head on the light fixture getting down from my bed and my knee on the dresser thingy getting back up. How the heck am I this talented? Jeez.
I take vitamin E because it's good for my skin, and I need all the help I can get. I take acidophilus because it's the bacteria culture in yogurt and thus is good for my digestive tract, where, again, I need all the help I can get. My digestive system gets all screwed up when I go elsewhere and start eating newish stuff. It's weird, but also extremely uncomfortable and equally as annoying. I take a women's multi-vitamin. I have no idea what's in it, but my mom takes them and I figured that considering my eating habits (not good; I skip a lot of meals and stuff) it would probably be a really good idea to help keep my body better balanced.
The internet here is a pain in my ass. I hate it SO much. I can't get onto the secure network because it tells me there's too many people or something and the administration needs to remove unused addresses. Something like that. And the nonsecured network is flippin retarded. Half the time my computer can't even connect to it. You have no idea how frustrating it is.
I just admitted to liking someone without actually intending to... not to them, but in public form... aaaaand it's likely he's going to see it... Now the question is do I remove the whole thing or leave it and let him see it? Do I have those kinda balls? (Metaphorically, of course. I am obviously physically without testicles, and I much prefer it that way. But we're going for the metaphor, here. I'm all for metaphors.) But do I really have that kind of nerve? Am I really that brave? On one hand it totally throws it out there that I like him. (As if he didn't already know. The only way he could be oblivious is if he's doing it on purpose. Which... is possible. Even likely, I suppose. Sigh.)
Why don't you be the artist and make me out clay? Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say? Cause I'd rather pretend I'll still be there in the end. Only it's too hard to ask; won't you try to help me?
I have marching band rehearsal at 9 in the morning. And it goes most of the day. I have to wear extremely ugly black shoes. I don't know if I have to wear them tomorrow but I'm just going to to break them in. So odds are I'll have at least one or two blisters by the end of the day. Yay.
I finally found my favorite bra the other day. It's got like, the most padding I've ever seen in a bra. I swear to God it adds like, 2 cup sizes. Probably more like just one healthy size. Because it so doesn't give me Ds.
Why am I talking about my bras/boobs on my blog? =S
You can tell it's been one hell of a day.
I'm not convinced I like living away from home. I mean, I'm sure I'll be fine once classes start and the balls get rolling. But like, right now? I'm not thrilled. It'll be better once my roommate gets here. I hope. And pray. I'm just deciding it's going to be better because I need it to be. And I will bloody MAKE it better. Because it has to be. I don't know why anyone would want a single room. I think I would go insane.
I live on the 5th damn floor of my building!!! D= Our elevator is broken. My legs and the balls of my feet are crying. Earlier, I was standing on one foot and had my toes on the ground and whatever on my other leg, and it started shaking. Like, not just the little shivering/quivering thing. SHAKING. I put my other foot on the ground before anyone else could see it because I was embarrassed. The tops of my thighs hurt, too. So I obviously don't just go up to my room whenever for no reason. If I'm going to take all 5 damn flights of stairs I'd better have a damn good reason to go to my room. UGH. 5 flights.
I am going to have some DAMN sexy legs by Christmas, yo. 5 flights plus my resolution to exercise and diet? I'd better look REALLY good by Christmas. =/
And all the while I say too much of what I think. And I can't remember what it's like to find meaning in anything... for the life of me.
And all I ever wanted was so far from what I need.
I don't like sleeping on bottom bunks... but I'm not sure I want to be on the top one. I kinda think that when my roommate gets here we need to rearrange and unstack the beds. But I'll wait for her to get here.
I took a nap with the dolphin pillow pet that my parents bought me when I got my wisdom teeth out. He's a pretty cuddly buddy. I named him Jackson. Don't ask why. He's cute though.
Hm... I just noticed that most of my stuffed animals are male...weird... Maybe not, if you get all psychological about it, I suppose. Whatever. I'm sick of getting philosophical. I had a big musing earlier about the way people see each other. And me... I may get to that some day. Hard to say.
One of the girls in my dorm has eyelashes for her car's headlights. Yes, I'm serious. Google them. It's ridiculous. It's hilarious, actually. I laughed--out loud and everything--when I saw them. And then took a picture with my phone, which I sent to my mother because we'd talked about them quite awhile back.
I'm so sick of being hot. =/ This building needs frickin air conditioning. And/or I need shorter hair. I will not be getting a pixie cut. Sooooooooo I guess I'm screwed. I slept on top of my covers and everything last night. I will again tonight. But tonight I'm leaving the window open in hopes that it'll cool off overnight. I'll likely wake up frozen. *nods* yep. Welcome to my life.
It's 1.10 am... and I have marching band rehearsal at 9. I'm intending to get up at 7.35. I have to shave my legs. I don't particularly care to. I sort of doubt I'll actually bother to do it........ Again: Welcome to my life.
My mattress creaks every time I move. I am not enthused.
I see much better with my glasses on. Letters are shaped better (astigmatism; gotta love it) and clearer and everything... but A) they get so slimy so easily and B) they get really annoying to wear sometimes. And I LIKE glasses. =/ Oh well.
All the cracks they lead right to me and all the cracks will crawl right through me. And I fell apart...
Anyway......... I think that's enough, don't you?
I am apparently also moderately socially inept, and I never realized it. If anyone else did, I really appreciate them saying something.
I went to an ice cream social thingy in the freshman boys' dorm earlier this evening. The girl to boy ratio was for real 6:1. And everyone that was there only talked to the people they already knew. Since I knew nobody, it was excrutiatingly awkward and made me feel even lonelier--the feeling started this morning. About the time I got out of the shower...
I decided to play my flute in one of the vast expanses of grass outside because I wanted to play and it was beautiful. Only everyone kept staring at me like I was a frickin' alien and it was extremely awkward. And then a very nice girl came up whose name I very unfortunately forgot and we talked for a bit. Even that was slightly awkward though... oh well.
I lost my keys briefly. They were actually just tucked into a pocket with my gum in my purse. But do you THINK I looked in the pockets with gum? No. Not for 15 of the most panic-filled minutes of my life. Well, okay, not really. But I was kind of terrified and I didn't want to call anybody to tell them that I lost not only the key to my dorm room but also my car. Because that would mean I was totally screwed and I didn't want to admit to that. Luckily, I found the frickin keys and survived.
I woke up with my period this morning. And within a couple of hours had some of the worst cramps of my life and my entire body was achy and I was tired and sore. I could barely stand up straight. I don't know why this is happening to me. Periods never used to be anything but periodic annoyances. They didn't hurt. They weren't anything but a fluid excretion. Now they carry all the lovely shit-eating side effects that other women complain about. I'm really crabby.
I swear to God I'm hearing an elephant from somewhere. I don't know if someone's watching a nature channel or what but it's really getting EXTREMELY annoying. Maybe I'm just short-tempered tonight. =/
I picked up 13 Reasons Why in Barnes & Noble today. Sat down in a chair and read the first chapter. It both pissed me off and ripped open the scab on my heart and plunged me into a level of emotional pain that I put it back down on the table and left. I may eventually go back to it. Because I am intrigued by it as well.
Hannah Baker killed herself by taking an excess of drugs. Before doing so, she recorded 6.5 cassette tapes (you can record on both sides of a tape--6 full tapes plus one more half-full) with 13 reasons why she killed herself. Hence the title.
It just... it pissed me off. For a handful of reasons, I guess. It's difficult to explain and I'm not sure I wish to try. But it also really saddened me, and not just because of the loss that I've experienced. Again, it's difficult to explain and I won't try. But I can't decide if I'm actually going to read it or not. I would like to know what the other 11 reasons are. Who the other 11 people are. I just don't know if I can.
I just spent the last couple of hours at a friend's house. I walked like, 12 blocks to get to the connecting street where he met me (the timing was actually quite perfect, no lie) just to get a hug. I was on the brink of tears, though I don't think he noticed. And it was a number of things, but I suppose that predominantly it was my utter loneliness and having had the lid yanked off of my emotional hurricane. So we sat around and talked for awhile and I feel better now. Not quite as lonely. Not really as sad. Experiencing longing for things I thus far can't have. At least don't have. But it's manageable. I wish my room had air conditioning. VITAMINS! I have to go take them. 2 minutes...
I just hit my head on the light fixture getting down from my bed and my knee on the dresser thingy getting back up. How the heck am I this talented? Jeez.
I take vitamin E because it's good for my skin, and I need all the help I can get. I take acidophilus because it's the bacteria culture in yogurt and thus is good for my digestive tract, where, again, I need all the help I can get. My digestive system gets all screwed up when I go elsewhere and start eating newish stuff. It's weird, but also extremely uncomfortable and equally as annoying. I take a women's multi-vitamin. I have no idea what's in it, but my mom takes them and I figured that considering my eating habits (not good; I skip a lot of meals and stuff) it would probably be a really good idea to help keep my body better balanced.
The internet here is a pain in my ass. I hate it SO much. I can't get onto the secure network because it tells me there's too many people or something and the administration needs to remove unused addresses. Something like that. And the nonsecured network is flippin retarded. Half the time my computer can't even connect to it. You have no idea how frustrating it is.
I just admitted to liking someone without actually intending to... not to them, but in public form... aaaaand it's likely he's going to see it... Now the question is do I remove the whole thing or leave it and let him see it? Do I have those kinda balls? (Metaphorically, of course. I am obviously physically without testicles, and I much prefer it that way. But we're going for the metaphor, here. I'm all for metaphors.) But do I really have that kind of nerve? Am I really that brave? On one hand it totally throws it out there that I like him. (As if he didn't already know. The only way he could be oblivious is if he's doing it on purpose. Which... is possible. Even likely, I suppose. Sigh.)
Why don't you be the artist and make me out clay? Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say? Cause I'd rather pretend I'll still be there in the end. Only it's too hard to ask; won't you try to help me?
I have marching band rehearsal at 9 in the morning. And it goes most of the day. I have to wear extremely ugly black shoes. I don't know if I have to wear them tomorrow but I'm just going to to break them in. So odds are I'll have at least one or two blisters by the end of the day. Yay.
I finally found my favorite bra the other day. It's got like, the most padding I've ever seen in a bra. I swear to God it adds like, 2 cup sizes. Probably more like just one healthy size. Because it so doesn't give me Ds.
Why am I talking about my bras/boobs on my blog? =S
You can tell it's been one hell of a day.
I'm not convinced I like living away from home. I mean, I'm sure I'll be fine once classes start and the balls get rolling. But like, right now? I'm not thrilled. It'll be better once my roommate gets here. I hope. And pray. I'm just deciding it's going to be better because I need it to be. And I will bloody MAKE it better. Because it has to be. I don't know why anyone would want a single room. I think I would go insane.
I live on the 5th damn floor of my building!!! D= Our elevator is broken. My legs and the balls of my feet are crying. Earlier, I was standing on one foot and had my toes on the ground and whatever on my other leg, and it started shaking. Like, not just the little shivering/quivering thing. SHAKING. I put my other foot on the ground before anyone else could see it because I was embarrassed. The tops of my thighs hurt, too. So I obviously don't just go up to my room whenever for no reason. If I'm going to take all 5 damn flights of stairs I'd better have a damn good reason to go to my room. UGH. 5 flights.
I am going to have some DAMN sexy legs by Christmas, yo. 5 flights plus my resolution to exercise and diet? I'd better look REALLY good by Christmas. =/
And all the while I say too much of what I think. And I can't remember what it's like to find meaning in anything... for the life of me.
And all I ever wanted was so far from what I need.
I don't like sleeping on bottom bunks... but I'm not sure I want to be on the top one. I kinda think that when my roommate gets here we need to rearrange and unstack the beds. But I'll wait for her to get here.
I took a nap with the dolphin pillow pet that my parents bought me when I got my wisdom teeth out. He's a pretty cuddly buddy. I named him Jackson. Don't ask why. He's cute though.
Hm... I just noticed that most of my stuffed animals are male...weird... Maybe not, if you get all psychological about it, I suppose. Whatever. I'm sick of getting philosophical. I had a big musing earlier about the way people see each other. And me... I may get to that some day. Hard to say.
One of the girls in my dorm has eyelashes for her car's headlights. Yes, I'm serious. Google them. It's ridiculous. It's hilarious, actually. I laughed--out loud and everything--when I saw them. And then took a picture with my phone, which I sent to my mother because we'd talked about them quite awhile back.
I'm so sick of being hot. =/ This building needs frickin air conditioning. And/or I need shorter hair. I will not be getting a pixie cut. Sooooooooo I guess I'm screwed. I slept on top of my covers and everything last night. I will again tonight. But tonight I'm leaving the window open in hopes that it'll cool off overnight. I'll likely wake up frozen. *nods* yep. Welcome to my life.
It's 1.10 am... and I have marching band rehearsal at 9. I'm intending to get up at 7.35. I have to shave my legs. I don't particularly care to. I sort of doubt I'll actually bother to do it........ Again: Welcome to my life.
My mattress creaks every time I move. I am not enthused.
I see much better with my glasses on. Letters are shaped better (astigmatism; gotta love it) and clearer and everything... but A) they get so slimy so easily and B) they get really annoying to wear sometimes. And I LIKE glasses. =/ Oh well.
All the cracks they lead right to me and all the cracks will crawl right through me. And I fell apart...
Anyway......... I think that's enough, don't you?
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