I've been watching the blind auditions for this year's The Voice, and... I really need to stop doing this to myself. I love music. I've always loved music. I love shows about music. Honestly, I do.
But the thing about being so into music the way that I am--and if you look through my blog you can get a glimpse into this well of passion that burns within me--is that I have this heartfelt desire, a desire that I have always harbored, to be the alto that hits the industry. Most of the female vocalists in the industry are sopranos. They sing in these high registers, and everybody loves it. It's like if you're a girl, you're just supposed to sing high.
But then there are girls like me, who love to sing, love to perform and do something that affects people, who really... can't sing that high. I am an alto. I sing music sung by men, because it's in my vocal range. 85% of the time, I don't sing it up the octave. I don't move it at all. It sounds different in my voice because music always sounds differently sung by a girl than it does by a boy. But I sound better in that low register.
Now, seriously, I'm not trying to say that I'm a professional grade singer, because that's far from the truth. I love singing but I probably have a long way to go. Simultaneously, I know where my strengths lie, and I think that's a huge bonus.
That being said, it has always been a huge, huge dream of mine to sing professionally. I have always wanted so. badly to be a part of that industry. You have no idea how much of my heart and soul is in this, and I know how many other people say that, but... I dunno. I've been singing since I was an infant--and I mean that quite literally--and... there's just... something about the act that makes me feel whole. Singing makes me feel like, even though so little is right in the world, and so little is right within me, I can put the pieces back together, and I can be okay, and I can have a real, honest-to-God place in the world.
All of this sounds so freaking stupid and hokey and just absolutely ridiculous, but... I mean it. I really do.
But here's the thing. As much as I want to, I couldn't possibly do it. I just couldn't. I can't write music, though I have tried so desperately for so long. I hear this music in my head every time I write about a band. I hear the music that I'm describing in my head as I'm writing about it, but like hell can I ever play it. It's just not fair, for how badly I want it.
People tell me that it just takes work, practice, a transformation of thought. But being so involved in music, and being so close to people that are even more involved than I am, the ability to write music doesn't just miraculously appear while studying music in college. You don't just... develop that. It doesn't just happen. Some of you might argue with me, but take some time for some hardcore introspection and try again. I suppose I could be wrong, but... I dunno.
I know that other people write music for other artists. I know I don't have to write my own music to make it. I know that. I do.
My spotlight is not in music. My spotlight is somewhere in the literature world, and I know that it's out there. I know it's somewhere, and I'm going to find it. As much as I wanted it to be in music, it simply isn't. It just isn't.
My life is not a movie, nor is it a novel. I don't get to follow all of my dreams, and I don't get to fulfill all of those things that I've prayed for since long before I knew how to. We aren't meant to do all the things that we wish we could. We aren't meant to follow all of our dreams. Even though I can say that, it's still sad to have to admit it. It's still sad to have to admit to myself that there's no way I can do all these things that I've always wanted to. Wisdom always comes with a price. Insight always comes from something that caused pain. If being smart, being wise and insightful, means plowing through a life full of obstacles, of pains and sorrows, there are days that I would really rather be stupid. But those times are few and far between, because the help that I have managed to be to people is worth it. Someone has to go through the struggles so that others don't have to. It would be nice if it wasn't me, but we aren't given the choice of where our lives go.
My struggles make my stories believable. My struggles provide the heart, the soul, the energy of my work. My experiences shape my outlook, and that outlook shapes my material. I like where my material's been going. I like so much. But I have a long way to go.
This isn't a dream that I'm likely to follow. If that makes you sad, think of all the things you've let fall by the wayside and tell me it's so different. You have to let go of some things to hold onto others. My writing is what I choose to hold onto. My love for singing? That's not something I'm going to let go of. It's just not something I'm going to pursue.
It's a back-pocket dream. And I really think we all need a few of those.
Have a good weekend, you guys. Live for love and happiness and the dreams of a lifetime. Tell a stranger s/he's attractive. Donate. Smile at the people you pass on the street. It's the little things that change us daily, but someone has to step forward to do the little things. Someone has to step forward.
Be the one that steps forward. You never know what it could mean.
Until next time, and with love,
--Emily Renae
~xoxo
But the thing about being so into music the way that I am--and if you look through my blog you can get a glimpse into this well of passion that burns within me--is that I have this heartfelt desire, a desire that I have always harbored, to be the alto that hits the industry. Most of the female vocalists in the industry are sopranos. They sing in these high registers, and everybody loves it. It's like if you're a girl, you're just supposed to sing high.
But then there are girls like me, who love to sing, love to perform and do something that affects people, who really... can't sing that high. I am an alto. I sing music sung by men, because it's in my vocal range. 85% of the time, I don't sing it up the octave. I don't move it at all. It sounds different in my voice because music always sounds differently sung by a girl than it does by a boy. But I sound better in that low register.
Now, seriously, I'm not trying to say that I'm a professional grade singer, because that's far from the truth. I love singing but I probably have a long way to go. Simultaneously, I know where my strengths lie, and I think that's a huge bonus.
That being said, it has always been a huge, huge dream of mine to sing professionally. I have always wanted so. badly to be a part of that industry. You have no idea how much of my heart and soul is in this, and I know how many other people say that, but... I dunno. I've been singing since I was an infant--and I mean that quite literally--and... there's just... something about the act that makes me feel whole. Singing makes me feel like, even though so little is right in the world, and so little is right within me, I can put the pieces back together, and I can be okay, and I can have a real, honest-to-God place in the world.
All of this sounds so freaking stupid and hokey and just absolutely ridiculous, but... I mean it. I really do.
But here's the thing. As much as I want to, I couldn't possibly do it. I just couldn't. I can't write music, though I have tried so desperately for so long. I hear this music in my head every time I write about a band. I hear the music that I'm describing in my head as I'm writing about it, but like hell can I ever play it. It's just not fair, for how badly I want it.
People tell me that it just takes work, practice, a transformation of thought. But being so involved in music, and being so close to people that are even more involved than I am, the ability to write music doesn't just miraculously appear while studying music in college. You don't just... develop that. It doesn't just happen. Some of you might argue with me, but take some time for some hardcore introspection and try again. I suppose I could be wrong, but... I dunno.
I know that other people write music for other artists. I know I don't have to write my own music to make it. I know that. I do.
My spotlight is not in music. My spotlight is somewhere in the literature world, and I know that it's out there. I know it's somewhere, and I'm going to find it. As much as I wanted it to be in music, it simply isn't. It just isn't.
My life is not a movie, nor is it a novel. I don't get to follow all of my dreams, and I don't get to fulfill all of those things that I've prayed for since long before I knew how to. We aren't meant to do all the things that we wish we could. We aren't meant to follow all of our dreams. Even though I can say that, it's still sad to have to admit it. It's still sad to have to admit to myself that there's no way I can do all these things that I've always wanted to. Wisdom always comes with a price. Insight always comes from something that caused pain. If being smart, being wise and insightful, means plowing through a life full of obstacles, of pains and sorrows, there are days that I would really rather be stupid. But those times are few and far between, because the help that I have managed to be to people is worth it. Someone has to go through the struggles so that others don't have to. It would be nice if it wasn't me, but we aren't given the choice of where our lives go.
My struggles make my stories believable. My struggles provide the heart, the soul, the energy of my work. My experiences shape my outlook, and that outlook shapes my material. I like where my material's been going. I like so much. But I have a long way to go.
This isn't a dream that I'm likely to follow. If that makes you sad, think of all the things you've let fall by the wayside and tell me it's so different. You have to let go of some things to hold onto others. My writing is what I choose to hold onto. My love for singing? That's not something I'm going to let go of. It's just not something I'm going to pursue.
It's a back-pocket dream. And I really think we all need a few of those.
Have a good weekend, you guys. Live for love and happiness and the dreams of a lifetime. Tell a stranger s/he's attractive. Donate. Smile at the people you pass on the street. It's the little things that change us daily, but someone has to step forward to do the little things. Someone has to step forward.
Be the one that steps forward. You never know what it could mean.
Until next time, and with love,
--Emily Renae
~xoxo
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