I'm 16. How many times have I said that? I don't know, but you should've gotten the idea by now. And I'm really sorry for what I'm about to say but I just fucking hate everything right now. I'm having a moment. Earlier tonight, my mom reminded me of my dysfunctional "love" life--of how EVERYONE I've tried to like a little has been a complete fucking disaster. Not in those words, nor quite so harshly, and when we were talking about it with my grandma--her mom--I was even joking about it. But Goddamnit, it hurts, okay? I really hate doing this because it shows up at the top of my page and instead of cute randomness you get teenage insecurity moment, but fuck it all, I need to say something.
I'm a nonconformist, and yes, I know that everyone fucking says that, but I actually am. The people that shop at Hot Topic and all wear the same pants and the same shirts and the same belts are just conformists of a different nature, wearing the same haircut in the same dye-job, different variations. Same piercings, same music, same everything. They're just not the bright, Aero-style conformists. They're Hot Topic conformists. I used to try to be one of them, but I've never made it. I can't just be one thing or another. I'm several things. I wear band shirts one day and super cute blouses the next. I wear black eye-makeup one day and pastel the next. I don't care! I just do whatever the hell floats my boat. I don't fit anywhere, into anything.
The people in the scene I try so hard to fall into don't like me because I'm not able to fit into the perfect mold of the "scene." (Can you say conformism?) I'm apparently super fucking boring, too, because I apparently just can't carry on a conversation or something. I don't know. But nobody's ever interested. My mom's pretty sure the guy that took me to prom is, but he's said several times, in not so many words, that we're just friends. And since he insisted, we are. I liked him to begin with, but not anymore. Actually, not since prom... *shakes head* I just...
Is it wrong to have high standards? To be picky? Am I being too fricken picky? I don't fricken know. I really don't. Some class and some decorum and some tact are apparently hard to come by, these days. All I want is... shit. I just want someone.
But even though I say that, I know I don't want just anyone. I can't take just anyone! I tried lowering my standards, at least once, but... it didn't work. At all. I can't be happy with...less than enough. I just can't make myself settle, not even when it comes to dating. I can't.
I'm just so sick of my life right now. I'm so sick of everything, and everyone. I'm sick of my job, of my school, my classmates, my classes that are so easy and tedious I just... I don't want to anymore. I need to reach out, to do something, to be something more.
Because right now? The weird, bookworm writer chick just doesn't cut it. For me, or for anyone else. I'm so lost in my world... Everyone's always like, just wait till college and it'll get better. I don't want to fucking wait until college. I have two fucking years until college. You go two years with nothing and tell me you're okay with that because something down the road ought to be better. It should be. But who's to know? I'm not okay with just wondering. I'm not okay with it at all.
I don't want somebody to try to push me away to make me try to get closer. When I get pushed away, I just go away. And I don't come back. The kids I go to school with only barely tolerate me; I'm pretty sure only a very, very small fraction of them actually like me. It's glaringly obvious--at least to me--when they want me to just fricken go away, so I do. I've gotten used to it. So when I get the vibe that you don't want to talk to me, or to be around me, I just go away. It's how I am. I don't fight to stick around and change your opinion. If you want to talk to me, you will. I'm not interested in fighting for your attention with the girls that are far prettier and more interesting than I, because it's a losing battle and it's....far from rewarding. It's just...
Will I ever be good enough? All I want to do is cry, because that's all I've got left to me right now. My mom doesn't know that I'm hurt, she doesn't know I'm mad, she doesn't...get that it's a really sore spot for me. My brother doesn't either, and he pokes it all the time, like he thinks it's funny or something. I just... I can't take it. It's not my fault I'm not as cute as he might be, or that I'm not...whatever the fuck it is that he is to get girls to like him. I don't have that. I don't have it at all. Guys just want to be my friend. Not my boyfriend. And that's hard. I don't always want to just be a friend. I don't always want to hear about your dating problems. I don't want to hear about what went wrong, because you need advice for the next one. I don't want to give that advice all the time. Is it so much to ask? Apparently, it is.
Usually, I'm not like this. Usually, I'm happy and bouncy and whatever. But I've been stressed lately, and that's partly why. I miss my best friend, and I want a life. But I'm still 2 to my parents, so...good luck to me with that.
Sorry about the pity party. I just needed to vent, and since nobody ever reads what I write anyway, I figure I'm probably safe to say it.
Until next time, with love,
--Emily
~xoxo~
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